I spent way too much time wishing I had a nanny.
It has much less to do with what I used to figure people had nannies for. Pre-kids, I figured you had a nanny so you could either work, or lead a frivolous life. So I didn't see a nanny being on my radar.
So wondering why it's always in my head now, has sent me on a thought processing process.
And really, my reoccurring desire for a nanny, boils down to I get afraid a lot.
Today, I feel like one of my throat glands is treating to get swollen. I am praying that it doesn't. But I am so nervous thinking about being sick with two kids. It sounds too hard.
Then I get on a pity party track about being all alone in a state far from my family, where I don't know anyone enough to ask for any amount of help. Then I start panicking.
"Oh if only I had a nanny, I'd be able to take a nap and get better, so I could be a good mom again."
None of these thoughts are crazy, seriously, they make tons of sense.
Its just I don't have a nanny, and I'm not gonna get one, I don't have the money for one.
So its a silly thought.
I took the girls down to our baby-gets-her-shots appointment. We still see our midwife (and her nurse) for Baby A (is that not awesome, that she can still see babies, not just mommas? I say, YES!) but she is 45 minutes away. So I had not been brave enough to venture that far with just me and the girls without Blake thus far. This time, I felt like it was time to be brave and go.
We made it. It was a success in the fact that we did make it, we all lived, J stayed near by and listened well, and we made it home. But then again, it was not a success because Baby A screamed nearly the entire time we were in the car (both ways.) Poor thing. She is not really a crier, she does't often cry in the car (as opposed to when J was a baby -- she screamed her head off anytime she was in a carseat.) So I just felt so bad that she was having such a sad time. I spent a lot of my drive wishing that I had a nanny who could give her a bottle, find her pacifier, or just talk to her while I drove.
(I also spent much of the drive wishing someone would design a momma-mobile that was designed in a way that was safe for a baby's car seat to be placed in the front near the mom -- how great would it be to be able to just pop the pacifier back in without having to do crazy-rather-non-safe-while-driving-reaching-and-bending-and-straining-blindly-reaching-to-find-paficier-all-just-to-have-to-do-it-again-when-it-gets-spit-out-again moves. Mommy life would be so much cooler with a baby in arms reach in the car. (Hear that automoblie-makers? Make it work!))
Then we stopped in Walmart for some spray paint for a new fun project. And that was hard -- my first time taking two girls into the store. (After shots! Give me a sticker! I was brave!) How awesome would it be to have a nanny nearby so I wouldn't have to get scared J is going to launch herself out of the cart while I'm not looking. (Cause she was sure trying to!)
Then we get home and I got scared that: I'm not talking to J in the right tones, that I didn't get her to eat enough food, that I didn't get her nap in at the right time.
How much I wish I had supper nanny there to tell me what is a good idea and what isn't. Just to be reassured.
in all these things...
I feel lonely.
Its scary lonely being a momma sometimes.
I am with people nearly every moment of the day, yet I feel so alone. Because the weight of their lives is on me.
And I guess that terrifying thought is what sends me running for the fake nanny in my head, just not being alone.
Because in all my day dreams of nannies, we are always both home.
I guess I just want company.
Gosh moving is rough.
It takes forever for me to settle in.
I'll get there.
But, likely, we'll move right around then.
Speaking of Nannies and Supper Nanny...I'm reading her book right now and I'm really liking it.
Its helping me in my quest to get my act together as a mommy of two.
Its got great stuff in it.
And it does help reassure me and give me more confidence.
And its helping me with the whole "at a loss for how the two year old brain works" thing.
I got more books from the library too, hoping to learn more about two year old minds, but there is only so much time in the day for reading!
I'll probably talk about it more later when I talk through my game plans for mommy-hood lately. Hopefully I will get some time to blog this week, as I have tons of thoughts bubbling up all across the board, but once again, only so much time...