So I sit with my tea and write whatever I think of.
(Warning. I feel a bit overwhelmed in some areas, so I may come off as whiney.)
Today was hard.
But today was also good.
Blake, my husband, is under the gun again at work trying to meet a deadline before Thanksgiving. And I feel his stress as mine and wish I could help.
So that's hard.
(Statement totally under emphasizes the hardness.)
And
Also,
Packing.
I HATE PACKING!
I've always hated packing.
And now that I have kids, I extra hate packing.
Sigh.
Actually its easy to pack the girl's clothes because they look cute in everything.
What's hard is {well besides getting all the tiny necessities like pacifiers accounted for} packing my clothes.
I never know what I want to wear ahead of time.
Always freak out that "whatever I pack is going to look terrible, and then I will have no other choices."
So I have to try on like 50 outfits to get 3 ready for the suitcase.
Its pitiful.
Apparently, I need these things.
Stink. I have none of that!
Then on top of that, I'm having a style crisis.
I was this one size when I got married. Then we had a baby. Yeah -- maternity clothes, transitional clothes, back to regular clothes. Then I went on to reach a healthy for me BMI making my old regular clothes too big.
So during that stage I knew I was transiting so I didn't buy much.
Then pretty much right after that we got pregnant again.
Back in maternity clothes.
And now that I'm back in my regular clothes,
I finding they don't feel like who I am now.
Of what do fit, most of them are from right before I got married, so they are about 5 years old or more. Which, if I had bought timeless things, would be no big deal. But I didn't. And also. I just need different clothes now. Then I was a single 20 something. Now I am a just-about-30-year-old (what!?) momma. I need cute, but comfy and something I can do small children acrobatics in! I need flattering stuff that I can nurse in. I need something like looks age appropriate, not something that makes me look like I think I am pulling off "16." And I need things that I feel pretty, and like "Lydia" in.
Basically my entire wardrobe is lacking at least one aspect, or another, of what I just listed.
I think I have about 3 pieces I'm totally happy with.
Sad times.
Very sad times when I'm packing.
(There is probably more than 3 that I can find in there once I figure out what I'm aiming for, but it will still be slim pickins in there.)
I'm having a hard time facing this fact.
That I just don't know what to wear.
I've always had fun with clothes.
I don't know if I've always looked good to other people or not. But I've always liked what I had goin on.
Now that I'm feeling so lost, I can't help but feel kinda down over it.
The realization that I wasn't able to avoid this "mommy fashion pitfall" like I thought I would, stings a bit.
And its not helping me AT ALL,
in terms of my goal of getting dressed every day.
Since I don't like my options I don't feel inclined.
Maybe for Christmas and my Birthday (in Feb) I can just go on shopping sprees.
I don't want a lot of clothes.
(I'm trying to simplify things. Go more minimalist.)
I just want some that I like.
For instance.
Jeans.
I have not a single pair of jeans I'm happy with.
Nothing fits quite right after all these transitions.
Also.
Underwear!
Seriously.
I have a hard time finding cute underwear that fits. Its like I either get wedgies all day, or have droopy drawers.
I thought I found some good ones (and I NEEDED to buy something, the only ones I had were maternity, so that was getting crazy fast.) but they turned out to be wedgie machines. Sad times. But they are still better than the maternity monsters I had been sporting.
And bras.
Am I the only one who can not seem to stay a stable size EVER since entering mommy hood? I feel like I could buy a new bra every month, if I were gonna be sized just right. Nursing! Sheesh!
So when I don't even have basics -- I just feel like I honestly have nothing.
You need jeans and underwear to be clothed.
But I'm never sure when I'm gonna stay a certain size anymore (3 years of shape shifting does that to ya) so its hard to say when I should shop.
I tried to to buy a couple things a little bit after having Ruby, and now I'm annoyed because (obviously) they don't fit the way I hoped they would now.
Sigh.
I finally know what personal shoppers exist for -- I used to wonder why anyone would want one since I found shopping so fun -- now, now that I'm lost as to what looks good on me after all this and don't have the patience to attempt shopping with a 2 year old and a 4 month old -- now I wish I had one!
I WILL Conquer this though. I have to.
Because I have decided to get dressed. And get dressed I will. (Eventually!)
Also,
Anyone else sweat like crazy when they are a breastfeeding momma?
I had boughs of being sweaty while pregnant, mainly night sweats.
But man, when I am nursing (not like actually during a nursing session, but like while I am able to feed my child with my body) I am always sweaty, and seriously have the hardest time feeling clean. I feel like I am just smelly all the time. I get the super potent "clinical" deodorant to combat it, but even then, by the end of the day, I just feel "eww."
And even if that didn't happen, I also get covered in spit up and boogies, occasional diaper-ness, and toddler lunch bits.
Its really crazy hard to feel "dressed" like that anyway.
Story:
Last night I ran to Walmart to grab Thanksgiving stuff (which was semi-emotiona/stressful for me since it revolved around Jasmine's dairy allergy needs, and Its hard for me to know if I'm choosing the right options bla bla bla...) and so I check out, I'm walking to the door, (I had been feeling pretty pulled together look wise -- makeup, outfit, boots) and a lady comes up to me and says, "Just so you know..." I turn to look at her, wondering if she is even talking to me, she continues "you have a sticker on your behind." I pause, still with the tiniest shred of hope -- hope that there is someone standing right next to me that she's talking to.
But no.
I'm the only one around.
I reach back, and yes. Ruby's sunday school name tag is on my butt.
We didn't even make it to church this week.
I have no idea how long that has been there.
How did it get there? Did Jasmine put it on my butt? Was it just on the carseat? My coat?
I question if I have even washed this dress in the past two weeks, I think I have, surely I have, right? I don't know. Oh my gosh have I been walking around town for ages with this thing on my butt!?
The lady was sweet, and she teased me that, normally she would have just pulled it off a person, but she didn't want to get it off my "behind".
We laugh.
But I shook my head on the way to the car.
I am that mom.
Not trendy.
Not cool.
Doesn't have it together.
Has a sticker on my butt (for weeks possibly!)
And is not even close to pulled together, after pulling off the sticker.
I guess when I think about it...
I'm the only one who ever said to me that being "that mom" is a bad thing.
(Well ok, other than TV and magazines.)
I guess I need to cut my sweaty self some slack.
In other news...
Today I've been grateful for hard times.
(I failed to do my great fulness posts every day this month -- I'm totally not up to daily posting at this point)
I was grateful for hard times today because I was baking and cooking -- getting separate dishes ready for Jasmine to have at Thanksgiving that wouldn't include dairy.
And that was so not on my "want to do" list. Since I have a million other things to do too (like pack!!!).
But while I was doing it, I felt so peaceful and pleased.
The smells were amazing.
I don't do a lot of baking.
And I've never made stuffing before.
So the smells were not "mine" but my grandma's and great aunt's.
They are both in heaven now, but I felt like they were right there in my kitchen today. Or maybe like I floated back in time to their kitchen.
It was very surreal.
And I loved it.
And I loved feeling so accomplished.
I felt like a chef.
And I realized,
if Jasmine didn't have this allergy right now I still would have never have made my own stuffing.
And now I have, and I found out its easy. And I found out I like it.
I was grateful for hard times today.
Stuffing is tiny stuff, but, it showed me that without hard times, I would never "become." I would never ask certain things of myself normally. But hard times, ask them of me, and so I become more than I would have in my own right.
If I hadn't had a c-section the first time, I would have never have learned anything that I've learned in the past two years (which is a lot), or had an amazing home birth this July, or even be having these clothing "problems" because I wouldn't have tried this hard to be healthy, or overall be the person I am now.
I was grateful for hard times today.
Both those hard things rip my heart out sometimes.
But God is putting a new heart in its place,
and I'm gratefully giddy about the new heart.
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