Well, I started this week feeling good ---- probably the most emotionally stable and confident I've felt this entire pregnancy. I just had a nice overall feeling of calm and peace and trust. I was feeling so good that, I was sure I was through my craziness completely and would have stable thoughts till July.
Then yesterday I had a moodswing. One of those moodswings where, I clearly knew that I was experiencing one (so in theory I should be able to write it off, as "just a mood swing"), but it was so big all I could do was literally try and breath out and in slowly and with focus to keep control, instead of starring a tear festival. I was just feeling caught in the wave of it. Tossed about by it.
I'm gonna say it was hormones. But I was just feeling overwhelmed by pretty much everything. Actually, I wasn't freaking out about how the baby will end up coming out, for once. (Well, at least that wasn't the focus, it comes into play in small ways, with everything.) But I was freaking out about everything else. I was kinda stuck on money stuff (I am doing a lot of "extras" this pregnancy to help things along, like a chiropractor, gym membership, etc.) (So I guess in that way, it brings up how the baby will come out, because if paying for this stuff, doesn't help a VBAC happen, it kinda feels like a waste of money. But really its not because its good healthy things to do in general.) And I was also feeling like a bad mommy again for being so focused on getting ready for labor, and not for a baby. Plus J was having a really rough afternoon, and I was trying to get some things done and she was getting her feelings hurt, so I was feeling like I was being a bad mom again. Therefore, I wasn't feeling sure I can take care of two. Bla bla bla. Lots of "not doing good enough" thoughts.
On top of that. I had my 1st Chiropractic adjustment yesterday morning. (Which is a good and happy thing.) But he told me I would feel sore from it, while my muscles get used to being where they should be. Well he spoke the truth. I was sore! (I am sore today too.) So that just made the tasks I was trying to complete that much harder. And it made me feel that much bigger/more-pregnant to be feeling so tight and achey.
Blake was so sweet and talked me through everything and really helped me get back on top of my emotions. I guess he will be an expert in getting me through craziness by the time this baby needs to come out, which will definitely come in handy! So there's the silver lining for the disaster that my emotions have been.
I'm starting to feel big. (Why hello, third trimester!)
My belly grew an inch from last week to this. Overall I've gained about 18 lbs, depending on the day. I'm happy with that. It goes on slowly in a way where I can see it come and go on the scale, as it officially arrives, so it doesn't overwhelm me. I don't have official records, but I think with my first pregnancy I had gained probably about 6 lbs more (total of about 24 lbs) at this point. So I'm glad I'm more on track this time.
I do remember that I had gained just about 35 lbs when I was at 40 weeks with J. And then I kept being pregnant forever... and those last two weeks, I was starving (and not happy about it, at all) and I packed on about 6 more pounds in those two weeks!
So that said, I'm leaving mental and emotional space in me to have a similar weight packing experience at the end again, just in case. Because that seriously felt out of my control that time. But where I am at should leave me room to gain those pounds this time and stay on track still. Well, I'm hoping anyway.
I think I am less hungry this time than last. I think a big part of that is how I learned to eat between pregnancies. Another factor is that that I just WILL NOT let myself have the craving-stuff that pops up in my mind (cookies, cake, blizzards, icees, candy, ect) so I think my body kinda rewards me by keeping things more in line. I mean I still get cravings for sweets, but I think by not indulging them it helps my body ask for normal amounts of regular food.
But either way, I am feeling big. Like I mentioned before, it doesn't help that I was really sore after my adjustment -- that can make a girl feel like her body is too big to handle life. So I'm hoping as I get used to my adjustments I won't feel as sore, so I won't end up compiling that into my belly-bigness. I'm having a hard time in the last two days not getting stuck on the idea of how I'm going to get bigger and bigger still. Its not about looks, its about the ability to physically take the load. Having been pregnant before, is now starting to be more of a downfall as I remember waddling around my block June 2010 and feeling like I couldn't possibly move for the rest of my life after that. I'm starting to worry that even though I will end this pregnancy smaller than last, I will still feel exactly the same. Boo.
Food. This week I'm just not excited about anything. Like, if I had my own personal chef, or food gofer who would get me any food from anywhere, I still wouldn't really have anything I wanted. And totally failing at making dinner. I don't remember when the last time I actually got around to that was (maybe two weeks or more.) I don't know what we are eating -- just scrounging for stuff. Blake's made us hamburgers a few times --- which as been nice. And J actually is loving them -- which I am excited about, she hasn't done sandwiches until this week! Its a nice option to have.
I still like oranges. Still like my peanut butter and oatmeal. Enjoying cantaloupe, so juicy! I enjoy my one coffee a day (really actually enjoying it with no sugar! ) Drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea (usually iced) (no sugar or honey) -- which I expected to hate, because it did nothing for me last time (as far as getting labor started goes), so I thought I would be resentful of it. But its been a nice option instead of plain water all the time.
The baby is flip flopping all the time. Remember how I was all excited she was head down at my last appointment. Well, she's not ready to pick a pose and stay there. I can tell because her hiccups will be down low in my pelvis one day, and up high in my ribs another day. I'm gonna be honest. This terrifies me. I want her head down! I'm doing all the right stuff to encourage it, but its just not in my hands. And that's what's so terribly hard. I know she has plenty of time still. And obviously she has plenty of room to maneuver in there, since she seems to be switching it up no problem all the time (and I can't even feel the flips, just the evidence.) So it shouldn't be as all consuming as it is for me. But well, yeah, it is. So pray the this little girl gets cozy with her head down, and can be happy to stay that way. Its pretty important.
J. She's been wanting to talk more again. And its really funny because she is trying to fill in the vocab gaps with her silly "leleleerlellerrleeleer" sound she used to make probably before her birthday. Its pretty funny to hear it resurrected. She will say the words she knows, and try to elaborate further with "lelelelrrler", as well as some other made up sounds, in-between. And she wants to be conversing. She will bring up the same old things all the time, just so we can talk. Its cute.
We had a nice time with her on Easter.
We did a easter egg hunt in the back yard, and she loved it. She kept asking for "more eggs!" So Blake would reach in her basket, when she wasn't looking, and toss them back in the yard, so we could keep hunting. It was great. I'm gonna be sad when she gets old enough for that not to work. :)