Weigh-in #3 and a Long Ramble (Forgive me, I don't get much Grownup Conversation)

*Disclaimer: I think this subject matter, in all its taboo-ness, can be uncomfortable. I just want to say anything I write here is just about me, its not about anyone else, and I don't expect it to be applicable to anyone else. And I do drone on and on here, but sometimes I just want to voice the thoughts in my head, and I don't have many people to talk to over the age of two. So here it is. And If it's annoying, feel free to not read it.
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Sad times, I'm embarrassed.
Guess that's the whole point of me making myself blog this -- so I can't just sweep it under the rug.



I got home from my mom's on Thursday night.
And then Friday Blake and I had both a lunch date and a dinner-and-a-movie date.
Saturday and Sunday were foraging days, since we still were in the middle of unpacking and grocery shopping etc.

AND
Come to find out, it is true, my scale is not as nice as my mom's scale.

So,
I'm actually needing to lose 13lbs at this point.

:P

But in the middle of our returning home, I did get resigned up at our gym (had to renew my card and do a bunch of annoying things, since it's the college's gym, and I am the spouse of a post-doc --- makes things confusing.
SO I will be swimming now.
{Monday Night Update: I did it! I swam!
It felt a little hard getting back into it. The first 5 mins started to make me wonder if I was gonna be able to do the full 30 mins that I wanted to do. But I made it. My energy kicked in at about 10 mins. And I feel good! It definitely feels harder than the last time I swam, which seems weird since I was very pregnant the last time I swam. I guess having a baby takes more of a toll than I was willing to admit to myself.}

But... in regards to the weight loss,
I realized a fatal flaw in my plan...
I need to give myself a goal date for when I will get the weight off.
If I don't, then well, I will just keep making excuses and put if off forever.

I wanted to be relaxed and merciful to myself, and not set a date.
BUT,
The goal date was the key for me last time.
{I knew I needed to lose the weight before our next baby, and I sorta had a date in mind. And with the amount of weight I had to lose last time, I needed every minute from 3 months till almost-baby-time to get it all off.}
It kept me glued to my plans.
I wouldn't waver, even for an extra cookie during thanksgiving weekend. (I had some pie on the day, and ate the dinner... but I wasn't gonna have thanksgiving all weekend long. I stuck to my guns, even when everyone in the room was telling me to have a cookie.)

But this time, I'm wavering like a wave in a hurricane.

And well part of that is the fact that honestly, I don't feel unattractive. I don't think its because I look amazing or anything. I just think I feel at peace with my body.
I'm proud of it for holding a life inside it, losing the weight, and holding another life inside it again.
I feel as proud of it right now, at 13lbs heavier than my goal, as I would if I was on the cover of a magazine. In fact magazine covers don't even say things to me right now. After J was born, they would talk to me and me feel yucky. Right now I think I'm just delusional enough to feel like I look like them. (Well as long as I'm not looking in the mirror right then.) So I feel like high-fiving the ladies on those covers and saying, "Yeah we know we look good."

Then of course I'll walk by a mirror and see, "Oh yeah, I guess I do still need to cut out the sweets."
But I don't feel sad.

The one thing I feel lost on right now, looks wise, is: Does loose look better, or tight look better?

I feel like I will put a loose shirt on and think, "Oh yeah that looks just right, can't even see my belly." Then I will walk by a mirror later and think, "Hmm maybe the looseness is creating the idea of even more belly. It even adds bulk to places that don't have it. Especially when the nursing chest holds the fabric of loose shirts out both over my belly, but also kinda off to the sides too."

Then I will try wearing fitted things, and initially I think, "Yeah that looks good, the belly isn't that big of a deal." Then I will walk by a mirror later and laugh because postbabybelly is smooshy--- and basically any pants I own will maneuver in a way to cause un-smooth-things to happen. So the mirror will show me that what initially looked like a sweet early baby bump, now looks like a misshapen dough blob rolling over my pants. lol.

The awesome thing is, I seriously haven't really cared. I actually giggled when I saw the belly mishap in the store's mirror, kinda just straightened things out, and went on with my day.
(Who am I? This is not normal.)

But for the sake of being me (the women who likes solutions) I keep trying to figure out what is better to wear.
I tried to ask Blake, but he wisely avoided the topic.
Poor men.
I do kinda wish he would have told me, then again maybe he was right.

Pants:
Know what's crazy?
I don't even know if my non-maternity pants fit or don't fit.
Why is that crazy?
Well, because after J was born, I was trying those suckers on ALL the time. I could not wait till I could wear them again. I was sooo sad every day that they didn't fit.
And then... I wore them at 10 weeks, and let my belly smoosh out of them, and thought "well at least they are on."
9 weeks tomorrow, and I just don't even know if they fit or not. I don't care. (I love this new "whateverness.")
What am I wearing then?
I have a pair of skinny-mom-jeans (that does't mean for skinny moms, it means skinny legged pants with the infamous butt and waist.) that I found while pregnant --- they were on clearance for $1!! And I knew if they would fit me while pregnant (waist band tight and shoved below the belly) they would fit after I was pregnant. Good plan! They are my go-to pants. They make me happy. They are kinda Jackie-O-esque, if Jackie-O ever wore elastic waist bands. Yes they have an elastic waist band! (And hey, maybe Jackie did wear elastic waist pants!)And yes they have "mom-jeans-butt", but I like them and I don't care. (And I wear long shirts with them.)
If its hot outside I either wear a dress, a skirt, or my maternity shorts. Because for some strange reason (all my life) my shorts are always smaller than my pants. (This makes no sense to me because every spring I go to put on shorts and freak out because they don't fit. But by the end of summer they do. Then somehow my now-roomie-pants must allow me eat more again during the winter... and so we start from scratch with this cycle. But why are the shorts tight? I must only buy shorts at the end of summer when they are on sale.) So anyway there is no way I'm bothering trying to wear non-maternity shorts right now.
When the weather cools off, I'll dig out my pants.
Till then, I do what I want. The main two people who see me are my babies -- they don't care what pants I have on. They don't care if I have any pants on!

{Monday Night Update: So even if I feel good about everything overall...swimsuits...yeah...they are their own thing. Does anyone ever feel good in one? I kinda wanted to have signage placed on my suit that read: "I have a two month old." Just to kinda alleviate some of my self consciousness.
I didn't start swimming laps after J was born, until she was 6 months old. And I was self conscious then! It's fairly intimidating to dawn the suit in public so soon this time. I guess I should give myself bonus points for braving it! But seriously, it wasn't all the big of a deal, 95% of the time you are covered by water, no one sees you except getting in and out, and really maybe two people even notice, the rest have their face in the water.}

Anyway, back to the whole weight loss thing:
I do plan on getting back in the weight loss game.
Not because I am unhappy with myself, but because I know I felt good being at my suggested BMI. I remember thinking, "Wow no wonder they recommend this weight for my height, I feel so good. Walking around feels amazing."
And I want to be healthy.

I'm gonna make my goal Thanksgiving.
Because, I think it's totally doable.
And I relate to that, since it's basically when I hit my pre-pregnant weight after J was born.
If I really try, I think I can get it off faster than that. (I don't have as much to lose this time.)
So that would be cool.
But I'm gonna say by Thanksgiving it needs to be gone.
(And if it comes off sooner, I can have a piece of pie early! :) And you know I want early pie! Mmm. Good motivator!)