I'm a mom of two small ones, it took me a week to finish this post! Sheesh.
Apparently these thought insisted on being written. Why else would I bother?
Sometimes they just need to be released.
I've started to try doing my morning swimming again this week.
I like swimming in the morning better than at night for a bunch of reasons.
The gym I use has two pools: one is open in the morning, the other at night. The one that's open in the morning, has showers that are actually hot, instead of lukewarm-cold. That's a huge reason! (Try taking a cold shower after swimming in a cool pool right before going outside at night, all wet, in the middle of winter! Not my idea of fun!)
But also working out in the morning, just works better for my temperament. I do better getting up to exercise. If I wait till the end of the day its really hard to get myself there, and then it kinda keeps me awake with all the endorphins and such.
I hate getting out of bed in the morning. But if I can do it, and I get myself to the pool, oh my gosh my whole life just feels more in order.
I love getting a shower and getting dressed (stuff that doesn't happen, until much later in the day, if I don't go to the pool.) And I always forget how awesome endorphins are. I don't know when I will get to the point where I say, "Hey a work out sounds like a great idea" before I do it; but I defiantly am at the point where I say, "Hey workouts are awesome"after I do it.
(I couldn't go in the morning until now because of both Blake's schedule and the fact that Ruby was too little to make that work in her schedule -- she doesn't think a bottle is food.)
So I'm pretty excited about this new workout routine.
While I was swimming I was thinking, I can't believe its been half a year since I had a baby!
I still think about my labor and or her delivery almost every day.
It doesn't seem like its even been more than a month ago that I did that.
I go back to that day over, and over, and over.
I thank God all the time for getting to have a labor of my own body.
It was absolutely nothing like the first time, and that's why I think of it so much.
To be honest with you, I enjoyed it.
It hurt, it still was hard. But it was so normal compared to last time that I honestly actually remember it as fun. (Well up until it was time to push, because that's when I got scared. But even that was way way way more awesome than last time -- well clearly...)
Recently I keep encountering all these places and things that remind me intensely of being pregnant with Ruby.
The the other night I ran to the mall for some just-me time after Ruby was in bed and Blake was watching Jasmine. While there I had to go to the bathroom. The last time I was in this bathroom was while I was pregnant (and had to pee every 5 mins.) I walked in and thought, "I remembering being in here when I was pregnant. I remember being afraid."
That sums up pretty much every moment of my pregnancy. Afraid.
I walked around as if the ground were broken glass shards and I was wearing stiletto-kitten-healed, soft-bottomed, ballet slippers. Everything, all the time, was me carrying a shawl of "I don't know if I'll be ok." (Physically, equating to emotionally and spiritually.) Every single moment had an undertone of anxiety. At any given second I could have given in and collapsed in a pile tremors.
So whenever I think, "This reminds me of being pregnant." (This last time.) I mean, "I remember being scared beyond reason in this spot."
Its not really fun to reminisce.
Strangely enough, I can say I miss being pregnant.
Being a women is just hilarious sometimes.
I keep hoping that if we have more kids, I will be sane next time.
I keep thinking that there can't be anything left for me to be afraid of delivery wise. I know I can make it through any version there is. So I'm hoping I will have the majority of my mind free during another pregnancy, as opposed to being busy endlessly fear battling.
I'm feeling more and more open to more kid(s).
Neither of us is saying yes, neither of us is saying no.
But we do say things like "next time."
And I think in my heart, I have more kids to meet.
One thing that had been freaking me out is that I'm realizing I'm an introvert (well I've known that forever) but realizing that: as a mother of small ones there is no way to get sufficient introvert me-time to decompress.
I was getting really bogged down about a month ago, feeling like I just was starting to crumble with two tiny ones and no time to just think quietly..
I googled up anything I could find on being an introvert and a mom.
I found a couple blogs talking about it.
If you feel that weight I'll share the links to what I found.
I'm still pondering it through myself. (I do think swimming is a nice way for me to get some me-time. No talking while swimming and the endorphins seem to amplify the affect of me-time into a bigger chunk than it actually was. Actually I think there may be something bigger than the me time aspect. I'm really wondering if I personally NEED to work out, like if my personal mold doesn't work with out it. I am a better person the days I swim.)
Anyway,
Here are the couple of blog pots with ideas on the topic I found:
And one thought that really stuck me personally was that one introvert mom felt it helped her to have 4 kids close in age, because then the kids play with each other more than than the mom.
I had kind of this idea in my mind, but didn't know, and I also was terrified that I would break under the weight of people surrounding me at all times.
Hearing her say this was like a deep breath after holding it.
I realize they are babies first, before they can do this.
I realize there are lots more opportunities for stress with more going on.
And it's not that I would have more kids to have some sort of convenience for myself ---
it's that in reading this I felt a fear break off of me.
And I felt something of my heart come to life.
I've been giving a lot of thought to my personality.
In this moment of discovery I re-looked-up my Meyers-Briggs type because I hadn't thought about anything like that in years. And I learned my personality type (INFJ) is counted as the rarest. ha! No wonder I've always felt kinda like the odd ball. Actually, I feel like I answered so many questions about me just in reading the characteristic of my type -- its crazy. Blake was like, "Yep, that's the Lydia I married."
It's given me a bit of freedom too, because once I read about the things I typically do, I kinda felt some freedom to not do them at times. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it kinda felt like permission to take it easy for a little while. And it also helped me not feel so self conscious around other people, because I don't have to think about how I am thinking, I can just do and trust that's ok.
Anyway,
As I keep pondering the more kids thing I know that if we want to have more, I need to be healthy. (I need to anyway, but this is the way my mind references at this point.)
I really depended on my VBAC fears to propel me to health before and during my second pregnancy. Once I VBACed I really floundered in my health convictions. Veggies giving way to sugar. Workouts giving way to just surviving.
I was looking at pregnancy photos and thinking, "Wow I felt so great (physically) there. I think I feel less great right now, while not pregnant."
I did get the pregnancy weight off. But not with much gusto. And then during the holidays I tried to put some of it back on. (Need to remove 2 or 3 more to be free of those pesky boogers.)
And then there is the nagging thought that, I had a little bit more I wanted to lose after having Jasmine and before having Ruby. But I just didn't have it in me then. (41 pregnancy pounds, plus 15 regular pounds after that, was all I could muster in 15 months.)
I wanted to nestle myself a bit more into the middle of my BMI weight range.
Blake wants to get fit. And so we've been talking about reaching our goal weights in 3 months (by tax day.) Then maybe doing something exciting to celebrate. (Need to come up with an idea.)
Its just hard to emotionally join the game plan.
I'm trying to work through the mess I made when relying on the scale to help me VBAC.
I was praying about my difficulty doing what I know is best for me right now. And I feel like God gave me a good word for me to ponder:
Complacency: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies (Webster)
Blake and I were talking about just putting the scale away until April and doing our best at being healthy and just leaving it at that.
I think that's what I need to do.
I don't think I can look at the scale anymore. Its been 2 and a half years that I've given it. And now I think I need to focus more on why the scale says what it says, and just be healthy.
I saw this picture on pinterest. (Despite my best efforts I don't know where it originated. I can only find it posted on different blogs. So I can't give photo credit, sorry!)
And it really got me pondering lately. How much to I bow to the scale? How much do I think, "Meh, so I've been living off sugar and zero veggies...who cares? I'm not over gaining weight."
But I can feel myself getting less healthy.
I really can. Like I said, I can see how healthy I felt in my pregnancy photos, and I don't feel that way recently. I may be smaller now than I was then (I mean, I was full of another person, for heavens sake!) but I feel less fit.
I also have some crazy personal hang ups about losing any more weight, like I was be doing it for selfish motives (now that I'm not doing it for the "all noble VBAC") -- which is really nonsense. But I can't get past it while looking at the scale.
So I think the scale is going to go in the closet for 12 weeks, while we make over our meals and our workouts.
And then no matter what we will be better for it.
And when the scale comes back in April, it will be entertaining to see if the number is smaller, or maybe bigger -- like in that photo.
But we will feel better and will have lived better.
I don't know if I'll really blog about it or not -- but I wanted to mention it, so at least its out there, and I feel less like I have a way out of this decision.
Because its one I need to make.
Not just for my physical health, but also for my emotional wellbeing, I have some baggage I need to dump.
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